


All or Nothing

by travelingpsycho



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-29
Updated: 2012-02-29
Packaged: 2017-10-31 22:07:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/travelingpsycho/pseuds/travelingpsycho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years as friends, something changes between Ryo and Subaru that can't be changed back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All or Nothing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nijiranger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nijiranger/gifts).



"I'm going to kiss you," Ryo says, and he does.

 

They're friends, Ryo and Subaru. They wouldn't be friends without Eito, but it's not because they wouldn't get along. It's only because they'd be too shy to talk enough to realize how much they have in common. Or maybe they would be better friends without that peculiar distance that's built up between them and persisted over the years. There's no way of knowing; they are what they are.

The first hint that they could be something more comes not as a small sign or a gradual development but as a sudden lightning-bolt realization. They're in a concert and Subaru is singing, nothing out of the ordinary, but Ryo catches sight of him on one of the big screens and suddenly it hits him like a ton of bricks.

"Fuck," he says without thinking, and panics for a second before he realizes his microphone is off. Then he panics anyway because he can't take it back. He can't forget that he looked at Subaru pouring everything into his singing and for just a moment, he wanted to kiss him.

 

Subaru kisses just how Ryo would expect him to, briefly hesitant and then hard, hungry, passionate. It's like there's nothing in his world but Ryo, nothing that matters but the press of their lips against each other, their tongues tangling together. Subaru demands all of Ryo's attention until his world is just as small: Subaru and their mouths and the dizzying want that he radiates.

"Subaru..." Ryo's surprised at the sound of his own voice, breathy and pleading. It's not like him to be reduced to this so easily, but Subaru is already overwhelming him.

"Let me touch you," Subaru says, voice steady though he presses his lips together in a note of uncertainty. Ryo can only nod.

 

He admits it to Yasu the very next day, after enough beers to mute his uncertainty. Yasu might understand, he thinks, or at least he won't judge.

"You've never thought that before?" Yasu asks, entirely serious.

"Did you?" He wouldn't be surprised. There's always been something there, with Yasu and Subaru.

Yasu laughs at that. "No. But Subaru is very compelling when he's singing. Sexy, even. All of his fans see it. One of us was bound to sooner or later."

"Are you comparing me to a fangirl?" Ryo asks, mildly horrified.

"That depends," Yasu says, smiling but not joking. "Did you only want to kiss him or did you feel something for him?"

Ryo finds he doesn't know the answer.

 

There's still distance between them, so Subaru stretches his arms out. One hand brushes down the side of Ryo's face, fingers light against his skin. Subaru's eyes trace its progress, unreadable. The other hand finds his shoulder and Subaru leans in and kisses him again, gently now.

Ryo finds his courage then and brings his arms to Subaru's back, pushing up his shirt. Subaru's hands are cold but his back is warm, his skin smooth. He responds to the touch by scooting closer, looping his arms around Ryo's neck. Ryo almost pulls away, suddenly scared of how fast this is going, but desire is still stronger than fear. He pulls Subaru in until their bodies touch and a thrill of anticipation runs through him.

 

He gives a lot of thought to Yasu's question, not because he wants to but because he can't get it out of his head. How can he have feelings for Subaru? They've been friends, nothing but friends, for so long. And more than that, Subaru's one of the Eito members. He can't risk messing with that.

But the more Ryo thinks about it, the harder it is to convince himself it's a purely physical thing. He's kissed Subaru as a joke, but he can't imagine doing it for real without it meaning something. Empty kisses and one night stands may be good with some people, but with Subaru, with him and Subaru, it would be all or nothing. Once he realizes that, it's far more frightening than the initial revelation. Is nothing still an option?

 

Subaru is in his lap and kissing him. It feels unreal, but an intense unreality that slows time and exaggerates his senses. Subaru is in his lap and he doesn't know what he wants to do first, where to touch, what to say.

"Ryo." He loves the sound of his name from Subaru's lips, low and rough. It makes him want to rip Subaru's clothes off, but there's enough lingering shyness that he restrains himself and pulls his shirt off slowly. Subaru is thin, almost delicate, but there's nothing delicate about the way he grinds down against Ryo, dissatisfied with his hesitation. "You don't have to be a gentleman," he drawls.

 

In the dressing room before a concert, Ryo usually talks a lot, but today he's quiet, sitting off to the side with his laptop and pretending that he's reading news sites and not watching Subaru and Yoko squabbling on the other side of the room. He's seen the same thing many times before, but it all looks different now. Now he notices the way Subaru throws his head back when he laughs at Yoko's indignation, the way his hair frames his face, the timbre of his voice, all the stupid details that you're not supposed to notice about a friend.

He doesn't understand it. He's never thought about Subaru like this before. Why, now that he's opened the door, is it so hard not to think about making Subaru laugh like that, or running his hands through that hair, or making that voice scream his name?

He jumps when Maru suddenly appears next to him, hoping he doesn't look as guilty as he feels. "Are you okay, Ryo-chan?" Maru asks, all concern, no indication that he has any idea what's going on.

_No_ , he thinks, _I want to jump Subaru really badly and I don't know what to do about it._ "I'm fine," is what he actually says. "Just thinking."

Maru sits down next to him, following his line of sight over to Yoko and Subaru. "Don't think too hard," he says gently, then turns a blinding grin on Ryo. "You'll get wrinkles!"

Ryo laughs in spite of himself. "Then what should I do?" he asks, trying to pass it off as a joke.

Maru's grin settles into a normal smile. "One thing I admire about you is how you can make a decision and stick to it," he says as thought it's a normal thing to say to a friend. "There's no reason to think so hard if you already know the answer."

Ryo looks at Maru in surprise, then quickly drops his gaze back to his computer to hide it. He doesn't think Maru knows what's going on, but he's right anyway. He knows how he feels. There's no going back now. He has to decide what he's going to do.

 

Subaru smirks at the way Ryo shudders under him when he moves, no hesitation when he yanks Ryo's shirt over his head. Whatever awkwardness he normally has around Ryo has been nowhere to be seen since that first kiss. This Subaru reminds Ryo of the one he sees on stage, the one he first thought he could want: intense, focused, uninhibited.

The way Subaru is now, it's hardly a surprise when he pushes Ryo onto his back, hips rolling against his, lips moving along his neck. Ryo tilts his head back and Subaru takes advantage of it, the scrape of his teeth on the sensitive skin under his jaw making Ryo shiver. He buries his hands in Subaru's hair, an anchor as he starts to come undone. "Subaru..."

Subaru lifts his head, tongue tracing a path toward Ryo's ear. "Fuck me," he murmurs, and for a second Ryo forgets to breathe.

 

Despite his resolution, deciding what to do is much easier said than done. He doesn't even know if he wants to do anything. It might be better for everyone if he just kept his feelings to himself. Things are fine now; why complicate them? If he keeps his mouth shut, no one (except for Yasu, but he won't tell) has to be the wiser and nothing has to change.

That's what he tells himself, anyway, and it works for a whole week until Uchi comes to see them perform in Yokohama. He doesn't say anything when he stops by to say hi afterwards, but he calls Ryo up the next day. "You sure were staring at Subaru a lot," he comments, no beating around the bush.

Ryo stammers a denial, but it's not remotely convincing and he gives up quickly. "Was it that obvious?"

"I was looking for it," Uchi admits, "but it was pretty damn obvious. You've got it bad, huh?"

"Who told you?" Ryo demands. Uchi's not observant enough to have figured it out for himself from the stands of Yokohama Arena.

"Tacchon." Uchi laughs lightly, not seeming to notice (or care) that Ryo's panicking. "Sorry, Ryo-chan, they're all on to you.

Ryo's too distracted to complain about Uchi mocking him. He's not surprised to find out that Yasu's not the only one who knows, but if even Uchi's heard, then all of Eito must be talking about it. Does that mean Subaru knows? The very thought makes him want to die of embarrassment.

"I don't know what you're waiting for," Uchi continues when Ryo doesn't say anything. "Are you scared he's going to reject you? Subaru likes you. If he's going to, he'll let you down easy."

He is scared of rejection, but it's more than that. He's afraid of changing things, between him and Subaru and with all of Eito. This is his job and some of his closest friends. It's no small risk. He's afraid of what will happen if this goes wrong and almost as afraid of what will happen if it goes right. "He's my friend," he says, hoping that explains it.

"Yes, Ryo-chan, he is. And as a friend, you owe it to him to tell him you want to jump his bones."

He hangs up on Uchi, knowing he won't take offense, but Ryo has to admit he has a point. He owes it to Subaru to be honest. Besides, if he might already know, it's stupid to keep waiting and agonizing over it. One way or another, no matter what the result may be, he needs to tell Subaru.

 

Subaru sits back on his heels, straddling Ryo's waist, waiting for his response. Ryo wants to ask if he's sure, but his expression puts that question to rest. Subaru has an excellent "come hither" look. There's no way Ryo could say no to that, even if he wanted to. "Yeah," he says. "Okay."

Subaru looks at him, eyes dark and wide. Ryo feels mesmerized, hardly aware of what he's doing. The rest of their clothes come off quickly, hands sliding along exposed skin, lips connecting at every opportunity. In the end, Subaru is on his back, legs spread, laid out and waiting for Ryo to take. It's so unbelievable that Ryo stares until Subaru laughs, a hint of self-consciousness in his voice as he asks, "Like what you see?" He holds Ryo's gaze as he very pointedly strokes a hand along his neglected erection, and the way he gasps at the touch erases any remaining hesitation.

Ryo's in no mood to tease, but even so, Subaru urges him on. "More," he moans, almost from the second Ryo touches him. It's quite a sight, Subaru writhing against his fingers, but what turns Ryo on more is his voice, deep and resonant and shamelessly begging, pleading, calling his name. It almost makes him want to drag this out longer, but he can't be patient tonight. Neither of them can.

Subaru goes strangely quiet when Ryo pulls his hand away, watching as he fumbles with a condom. Ryo doesn't know what to make of it, but at the first press of his cock against him, Subaru whispers, quiet voice as intense as his earlier yelling, "Go." Ryo doesn't need to be told twice.

 

This is the night, Ryo tells himself. They're out drinking, Eito and some of the staff who've been with them for the whole tour. Their final concert is over and there's no excuse to wait any longer. If it goes as badly as he's dreading, he can avoid Subaru for a while. If it goes well...he's trying not to think too much about what will happen if it goes well. He doesn't know if Subaru knows yet, but it doesn't really matter. This is something he has to tell Subaru himself, even if he's already heard it secondhand.

It's obvious everyone else knows, at least. Yasu keeps giving him obvious encouraging smiles. Maru is talking to Subaru, but he keeps looking over at Ryo like he's trying to tell him something. Yoko and Hina have been making an extra effort to see that he drinks a lot, probably trying to loosen him up enough. Even Ohkura, who would usually rather die than discuss Ryo's love life, whispers, "Just do it already," when Ryo drops his head to the table in a futile effort to silence his nerves.

Even so, he waits until they're splitting up at the end of the night to approach Subaru. He's standing by himself, a little away from where the others are sorting out taxis. He looks up when Ryo walks over, eyes hazy from the alcohol but still piercing, expression unreadable. Ryo's heart is pounding, but somehow he manages to keep his voice steady as he asks, "Can I talk to you?

Yoko yells, "Go Ryo!" but they both ignore him. "Sure," Subaru says.

"Umm..." This isn't how Ryo wants to confess, with everyone waiting and ready to comment.

"Here." Subaru ducks back inside, finding a quiet corner where they can have some privacy. "What is it?"

"You don't know?" Ryo immediately regrets the question, but Subaru doesn't answer, just looks at him, waiting. "I know it's kind of strange," he starts, "and I was surprised too, so I'd understand if you are. It's a new thing, you know, not like I've been keeping this to myself for years." He realizes he's babbling, but he can't seem to stop. "It's okay if you don't feel the same and you want to forget this ever happened, but I need to tell you. I..." He steels himself, trying not to look as scared as he is. "I like you."

He stares at the floor after he's done, afraid to meet Subaru's eyes as he waits for an answer. What if he's disgusted? Angry? Or possibly worst of all, pitying?

There's a long silence during which all Ryo can hear is the beating of his heart. Finally, Subaru speaks. "Like?"

Ryo looks up in surprise at the question. "What?"

Subaru looks serious, speaking slowly, carefully choosing his words. "You like me. You don't just want me?"

"I do," Ryo says quickly. He hopes he isn't blushing. "I...both. Or, no. I don't _just_ want you."

Subaru nods slowly, but instead of answering Ryo's confession, he asks, "Why?"

"Because..." Ryo struggles to find the words. He hasn't really thought about the why. It's there, but it's not something he can put into words yet. "Because you're...Subaru," he finishes lamely.

Subaru keeps nodding, then starts to lean in closer to Ryo and finally says, "You're slow."

"Eh?" That wasn't the response Ryo was expecting.

"You're slow," Subaru repeats, starting to smirk. "I noticed you a while ago."

"Then...eh?" Ryo can't process what he's hearing. Subaru noticed his interest before? Or Subaru's been interested in him for a while already?

"I like you," Subaru says, enunciating the words like he thinks Ryo's a bit slow. "And I want you." Then his smile turns shy, despite the mocking. "And if you want to, we can give this a try?"

It's Ryo's turn to nod, dumbstruck by the revelation that Subaru has been waiting for him. It's too much to understand right now, but one thing is certain: he does want to try and see where this thing between them can go.

Subaru's smile brightens, part excitement and part amusement at Ryo being at a loss for words. "Hey," he whispers, leaning a little closer, "want to go somewhere?" Subaru's a master when it comes to leering, so there's no misunderstanding what he's asking.

"My apartment's close," Ryo answers without hesitation. It seems fast, but then again, he's been watching Subaru for weeks, and it seems Subaru has been watching him for longer. He's not about to pass up this chance.

 

There are no thoughts in Ryo's mind now but Subaru: his body tight around Ryo and hot under his hands, his eyes locked on Ryo's, his voice, all incoherent moans and gasps even when Ryo tries to quiet him with a kiss. He's breathless, setting a frantic pace, chasing a release that seems dangerously close but just out of reach, spurred on by every cry from Subaru.

Subaru gets quieter as he gets close, tension holding his voice in, but his eyes show his desperation. Ryo strokes him faster and faster until Subaru yanks him down, muffling a final yell against Ryo's lips. His thrashing almost pulls Ryo over the edge, but not quite, and as soon as Subaru releases him he's moving again, as fast as he can. Then Subaru arches unexpectedly to meet his thrust and he's gone, squeezing his eyes shut as his whole body shudders.

Neither of them seems to know what to say afterwards, or maybe they just don't need to say anything. Subaru sprawls out on the bed, eyes closed. His hair is dark against the sheets and his skin, and Ryo finally gives in to the desire to brush it back. Subaru opens his eyes when he does and smiles drowsily up at him. "Thank you," he murmurs.

"For what?" Ryo asks, surprised.

It's funny for Subaru to look embarrassed now, after everything, but he does. "For noticing," he says. "For finally noticing."

 

They're quiet on the way to Ryo's apartment and still quiet when they get there. Ryo's not unused to bringing people home, and Subaru's been here before, but this is different. He's never brought Subaru home like this.

"You want a drink?" Ryo offers, but Subaru turns him down. This isn't something that should happen in a drunken haze.

Instead, Subaru walks right down the hall to where he knows Ryo's bedroom is. Ryo follows, uncertain and excited and a confusing mix of other emotions. He finds Subaru sitting on the foot of the bed with his legs crossed, watching him inscrutably. Ryo kneels by him, close but not too close, smiling nervously. "So..." he says.

"So..." Subaru echoes.

Ryo looks at Subaru for a long moment. He could never have imagined, not very long ago, that the two of them would wind up in this position, but now he can only wonder why he didn't notice Subaru before. Tomorrow he can worry about the future, but tonight, he's happy. For now, he can believe that this will work.

"Ryo?" Subaru looks bemused, but from the smile on his face, he feels the same.

"I'm going to kiss you," Ryo says, and he does.


End file.
